BABY ON BOARD

…and another thing. Baby on Board signs. Who exactly are these people who put the Baby On Board stickers in the back windows of their cars?

I do a lot of driving and there’s loads of them out there. When I first saw one many years ago, it was in the back of a Volvo (need I say more?) and I couldn’t actually read it. It was a yellow diamond with words on it and it was clearly put in the back window for my benefit but I couldn’t read it. Perhaps it was really important. Who knows? So I drove up close and sat on his tail for a bit in order to read it. Oh I see – they’ve just had a baby. Then I saw the mother in the passenger seat leaning back towards me, waving and gesticulating wildly. So I waved back to her mouthing the word “Congratulations”.

Her reaction was less than friendly I felt. She clearly wanted me to know about her baby. Why else put up a sign? And now her hand gesture was suggesting that there might actually be two babies involved. Can you get a sign that says “Babies on Board“?  And what happens when she’s pregnant? Can you get a sign that says “Two Babies and a Foetus on Board!”?  No? OK – it is a niche market I grant you.

I’m told the reason for these Baby on Board signs is to act as a warning to other motorists to drive safely. Really? Does it work? In which case I want one that reads “Middle aged Man on Board who also doesn’t want to Die!”? Or perhaps it’s the man who’s just bragging? “See her in the back? I got her pregnant.” Or maybe it’s a warning to passing female drivers. “Drop back girls  – Sperm Bomb in Transit!” Or perhaps it was put there by the concerned new mummy. “Beware! Flying Nappies!”. Or “Close your window! That arc of water may not be my windscreen washer!”

More to the point, what on earth possessed them to buy the bloody thing in the first place? Did they see them in some tacky little nick-nack shop and say “Oh they’re nice, let’s get one of those as well as the smelly dangly traffic light thingy shall we?” I mean OK, so they’ve got a baby. It’s no big deal is it? It happens all the time. Far too often some people would say.  Some young mums should have a sign saying “No Father on Board”. Or maybe “Baby on Board – you bastard Colin.”

Look – all I’m saying is that there are millions of us who live in the traditional family unit and yet we don’t go around dangling stupid messages in the back of our cars saying so.

I’ve also been told that the real reason for these Baby On Board stickers is to help the emergency services in the event of a crash, so that the firemen will immediately know to look for a baby amongst the smoking wreckage? This all sounds plausible except for one obvious flaw. The signs are made of laminated plastic and will be reduced to smouldering yellow gloop before you can say “Oh good he’s hit the bridge?”

It also begs the question – is the baby actually there? What I mean is, do these oh so caring sharing “look at me” parents bother to take the Baby on Board sign out when there is in fact – no baby on board. They don’t. I know. I’ve checked. So if they do wrap themselves around a tree on a night out whilst Granny has the sprog, then the fire brigade and police will be then searching fruitlessly through the wreckage. Can we then charge the parents with wasting police time?

No – they’re waste of everybody’s time actually. Nobody drives any safer because of them. Nobody takes any notice. And if they do, it just makes them cross. I mean who cares you’ve got a baby? Who cares if it’s in the car? Who cares that you’ve put a ridiculous sign in the back? You may as well have a blue strip across the top of your windscreen saying Sharon & Dave……..oh…….right……you have.

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